Freddy and successive generations of his family prospered. Along the way they changed their name to Honk, believing it to be more American than Honkblaster. The family took to the American way of life with enthusiasm and made their fortunes out of the land that rightfully belonged to the original inhabitants of the country. As is the way of successful immigrants they bred enthusiastically, and amongst the successors of Freddy the Hairdresser was Donny whose mother was from Scotland.
Donny really was a Boyo. He perfected the art of going bankrupt with other people’s money and corrupting youngsters on his TV show. He found time to build a Golden Castle and enjoy golden showers whilst consorting with enemies of the state. Even so he couldn’t escape his heritage and like immigrant families before and since he strove to get on. Where to wasn’t really the point; if there was money to be made Donny was going there.
He turned out to be really good at getting on and made it to be President of the United States. On the way up he accumulated trophy wives, mostly on their way to being ex-wives in short order. He’d also amused himself by grabbing a lot of pussy. To his surprise not all pussies were happy with his grabbing. Some got their claws out and made to scratch him. He was so confused by this that he gave them money in the hope that they would behave in a more ladylike manner. Unfortunately money wasn’t enough and there were too many of them. He really had been indulging himself.
One or two of the angry pussies started posting disobliging things on the internet. It turned out that Donny’s manhood was mushroom shaped, and not a very big mushroom at that; more like a toadstool really. An enterprising pussy set up an interactive website, Tool Tester.com, where the length of the Toad’s Tool could be entered by other pussies. Each user gave herself a nick name and it was rumoured that Mystic Mel was one of his ex-wives. A Presidential tweet called this Fake News.
Each entry was accompanied by the date on which the estimate was made. These entries turned out to be ideal material for a research project. No one has yet asked why a distinguished professor of politics at an Ivy League university was rummaging about in that part of the internet where pussies and toadstools are on display; no doubt they will when he’s up for Vice Chancellor. For the moment, suffice it to say, this avid student of the fact checking website, Fullfact.org noted that there was an inverse relationship between entries on the two websites. He produced a graph on which both sets of values were entered and wrote a serious paper for a learned journal.
The paper was discovered by the public press and as journalists are prone to do, they ignored the academic’s conclusion that all he’d found was an association, and stated baldly that The Toad’s Tool was caused to shrink every time President Honk told a lie. They even produced projections as to when there would be nothing left for the pussies to measure.
There was much speculation as to what mechanism might be at work here. The most credible explanation came from those who’d read the original story of Pinocchio but that required a level of childhood literacy not readily found in the US of A and it gained little traction. No matter, the controversy was swamped when news raced around the world that President Honk had died whilst in Office. Private Eye put its own inimitable stamp on the event with the front page headline, Donny Dies on the Jobabove a revealing photograph. The state funeral took a few days to arrange, and whilst the mortician may have noticed some strange post mortem changes in the corpse, he did what he was told and firmly screwed down the coffin lid.
What happened next may have been due an electricity failure at the cold room where the Presidential Body had been stored. That was certainly the line taken by the late Donny Honk’s press officer. Crowds had gathered to watch the Presidential casket being taken to the Capitol for the lying in state. Those nearest the casket claimed to have heard sounds coming from within but a press release later declared this to be Fake News. What couldn’t be called Fake News, because it happened in real time on nearly every television screen in the country was the explosion.
As explosions go it was a modest affair. There was a bang as the coffin lid flew off and a bloated part of the late President’s anatomy rose majestically into the air. As a Headline in the New York Post put it, THE COUNTRY MOURNS A BIG DICK.